rhiannon_s: (help)
We're nearly at the end of 2013.

I know, not exactly earthshatterning news for most of you guys out there.

For me, big news. I mean majorly big news. Last thing I remember it was 2009. Obviously I don't mean that quite literally. I was aware of the passage of days and events, I was able to form new memories, this wasn't like a 'Memento' situation or anything like that.

Let me explain. Towards the end of 2008 and well into early 2009 I began to fall into what was a period of massive depression. I've always been prone to it, and stuff happened (I'm not exactly certain on the how or what of that if I'm honest) which tipped me into a major episode. Since then I've basically chugged along, aware of the passage of the days but not really aware of the importance of the passage of the days. If you see what I mean there. Stuff happened, and it never really registered in any meaningful way that that stuff was happening. I can't lie that there weren't signs. All those concerned meetings with my GP for example, or the fact that I needed people to fill out forms for me because I couldn't manage to get my mind to engage enough to fill them out myself, or that by filling out a set of forms honestly and openly the UK's notoriously hard to access benefit system (yes, it is, the Daily Mail has lied to you about that) actually put me into its "support" class (yes, I have some other physical health problems too I'll admit). That should have all been a wake up call. I've lurched from one emotional meltdown to emotional fugue state and back to emotional meltdown and back round again so many times that if I could have kept count, I'd have lost count anyway.

And tonight, like a light switch going on in my head, it just registered that I've wasted nearly five goddamned years of my life. Shit. I don't even know where to begin with processing that. Where do I pick up the threads of my life and start getting on with it again? How do I do that? Even my old friend the internet has given up on me, seriously, I've been mostly just drifting online for a while now. All the places I recognised are gone or virtually extinct. I'm gonna have to x-post this to twitter, pretty much the only place I've been active, in the vain hope that anyone will read it.

I guess it'll have to start with trying to get healthy again. Or as healthy as I can be anyways. Mentally I guess that means back to the GP and trying to get re-referred to mental health. This time because I want to, not because it was suggested to me and it was the path of least resistance to agree. Physically...god where do I start. I have put on so much weight I could star in a Channel 5 documentary, I need to work on that for a start. I need to try and get my other health problems under control too. I just haven't given a rat's backside about them for so long that things have rampaged out of control.

There is so much to do, and much less time than I thought there was to do it in. Where do I begin? I only know that now I have woken up, and yeah it feels almost exactly like suddenly waking up, I mustn't fall asleep like that again. I don't know how though. How do I ensure I don't waste another five years?


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