On drugs

Aug. 2nd, 2017 05:48 pm
rhiannon_s: (Default)
and hating it.

When you first start taking (legally prescribed) drugs to help control your mental state then the relief at not having a constant mental implosion in your head is just so overwhelming that you do not even notice that those drugs have a lot of nasty side effects. Then as you get used to them you start resenting them and skipping them due to the side effects. Which doesn't work because the mental implosion returns pretty damn quickly, and it brings all its friends. So you go back to the (legally prescribed) drugs. And you deal with the side effects, and you hate your own brain all the more for not just the mental implosion, but also for making you take all that medication, with all its own side effects that are less and less fun all the time...
rhiannon_s: (brain)
If you have flashbacks then you probably already know this, but the worst part about suffering from flashbacks to trauma events is that sometimes you also have "flash presents" too. It is where something similar to what you flashback to occurs in the present and for some reason your mind insists you are actually having a flashback. Or you get caught in a loop and you can't tell what is happening "now" from what was happening "then".

I just had one of those moments.

I'm so used to late night noise outside (usually something as innocuous as a fox investigating the bins, a really heavy truck going by, or even the postman, as the trigger) inspiring a panic flashback to a time where there really were daily disturbances outside and hammering on doors (and also a separate time where it involved aggressive debt collectors) and it freaked me the hell out that someone hammering drunkenly on the door of the flat downstairs just triggered a (mild, admittedly) flashback, then my coping "calming" techniques kicked in as I reminded myself it wasn't really and it isn't really happening "now", followed by the rest of my brain tagging along at the arse end of the cow to tell me there was indeed someone hammering on downstair's door and what did I want to do about it? The mental crashing of gears was quite impressive.

If very little of this is making sense though, it is because the answer to "what did I want to do about it" has involved me taking a number of valium and a couple of tramadol (yes, I have it all on legal prescription, don't worry), to calm myself down and hopefully let my brain slowly process it all.

It was just weird to have my brain react to a stimulus by essentially going "wouldn't this be weird if it was happening now, oh shit it is". Total out of body/out of temporal context experience.


rhiannon_s: (Default)

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